Children are going to misbehave during some point in their lives. It is our job as parents to help teach them right from wrong through discipline. The word discipline might sound strict and harsh but it actually isn’t once you know how and why it is done.
Instead of listing ways to discipline children, I decided to discuss how. You will read some questions to ask yourself “What do you do when your child has a temper tantrum?” and I provided an example of a problem & solution based on a personal dream.
What do you do when your child has a temper tantrum?
Ask Yourself…
Do you make sure the area is safe so your child won’t hurt its self and nothing around might hurt?
Do you care to find out what’s behind the tantrum, communicating clearly and asking questions?
Are you calm and know how to show empathy?
Have you tried the distraction or redirection technique, or are you focusing on the unwanted tantrum?
Did you offer choices to give back some power and control to the child?
Did you teach them about natural consequences and what to expect based on their actions?
Do you focus on learning and not on who is right or who is in control?
Are you focusing on ways to say “yes” to something that is positive?
When is it safe to simply ignore something and when do you need to step in and take action?
Use the time-out conseques to cool off and calm down, or as a repeated threat to pause the problem for a while?
Do you yell a lot?
Do you make use of the word “when”?
Are you a role model for your child?
Did you reward, praise, and recognize good behavior right away?
How about giving a hug to your child when they are in a negative mood?
Do you use physical punishment to make your point?
Do you take note to learn self control for your own actions?
What triggers the tantrum, do you know if it can be avoided or if you need to learn how to cope with it?
I dreamed that I was trying to get my child to go to bed…
It was a sleepover and everyone had to get tucked into bed for that night.
I turned off the light, smiled, and said “goodnight”.
One of the children thought it would be funny to get out of bed and turn on the lights as I left the room.
I returned to find them dancing and jumping around laughing and having fun.
I told them that they need to go to bed as it was really late at night.
One of the children protested saying I was still awake, so they wanted to be awake too.
I told them I was an adult and my bedtime was different than theirs.
They said that they were adults too and it wasn’t fair for me to make them go to bed.
But they weren’t adults, they were just kids who didn’t want to listen to the rules.
I got angry in my dream and I yelled at them to go to bed and not turn on the lights.
When I left, I heard them talking together and the lights were back on.
I returned and asked who turned the lights on.
One of the children confidently said they did it.
My need to show them who’s boss, unfortunately lead me to spank the culprit.
I yelled that if they don’t listen to me, they will have the same fate as their crying friend.
Waking up uncomfortably guilty, I knew there was a problem.
I should never resort to violence, but I did consider the possbility of resorting to yelling.
Then I wondered if there was a way to avoid yelling as well.
I don’t want that dream to come true, and thus I decided it’s time to write about discipline.
DISCIPLINE MEANS TO TEACH A SKILL.
PUNISHMENT MEANS TO STOP A BEHAVIOR WITH PAIN.
Understanding.
What I did was punishment, because I have no idea what skill those chldren learned from me other than I spank and I am mean.
I figured that all I wanted was to make them go to sleep.
It was “the rule” to go to sleep at night.
Losing power and control made me feel angry.
I felt like the situation did not meet my expectations and I did not know or learn how to deal with the change, it caused me to fall off balance.
I should have focused on the bigger picture.
Develop A Routine.
Children need to develop structure in their life.
Routines like a sleep schedule and bedtime habits.
A routine doesn’t mean you have to do the same things again every day, making life boring and repetitive.
A routine means you have a base foundation for what to expect, something that makes life normal.
It is the original structure for supporting something new above it, for those unexpected events and situations that life throws at us sometimes.
Because these unexpected events and situations are what cause us to throw tantrums and feel negative.
When something different happens and we don’t know how to deal with it, wouldn’t it be nice to have a base structure to back us up?
Steps To The Solution.
First, determine if the unwanted behavoir causes any reason for danger or if life threatening.
Obviously one night of late sleeping doesn’t kill. Many nights of late sleeping on the other hand will cause risks of concentration difficulties, fatigue, risk of obesity, lower immune system, high blood pressure, and risk of heart disease. You can decide if you want to ignore this situation or take action.
Second, you decided to take action.
Don’t try to reason with a child mid-tantrum, or in this case, not even listening to you, it’s worse than talking to a wall. Now is the time to remind everyone, including yourself, that we are in charge of how we respond to uncomfortable feelings, it is ok to feel them, but it is not ok to act on them if they hurt. Don’t yell or show a negative reaction in reponse to the child. You are the adult role model here and must remain calm.
Third, state the consequence of an action or behavoir.
Say: If you don’t sleep early, you will wake up late and tired tomorrow. Say the privileges your child does in the morning can’t be done anymore due to lost time. In other words, the choices at bedtime is going to affect what can be done the next day. Make sure they miss something they enjoy due to the lost morning time so they will try hard not to miss it again the next day. When our actions make us uncomfortable, we eventually stop doing them.
Fourth, state the privileges and expectaions.
Let the child know that with good behavior comes good outcomes. Say: I expect you to sleep early and be awake at breakfast. Sleeping early helps you grow strong and healthy. Sleeping early means you have the time to do things you enjoy.
Fifth, add accomplishment.
When you give consequences, there must also be a task to be acomplished that removes the unwanted behavior. Don’t put your child in time-out as a waiting period without learning anything. They will get used to passing time and waiting for things they want. Instead give them work. In order to avoid the work, the unwanted behavior will eventually be avoided. The child went to sleep past the agreed bedtime. Say: I see you decided to be an adult and sleep late. Well an adult has work that children do not do, let me give you your first task.
Finally six, attention reinforces behavior.
Don’t give in to more unwanted behavior. For example crying and complaining, simply ignore. If children notice that what they are doing brings out a reaction from you, they will continue to do it. Ignore and let everything turn out as it may. The worse that can happen in this situation is they’ll be tired and disappointed.
Quick Reminder, Before You Go…
Parents will not win every battle. What works one time will not work every time.
Eventually, if what you are saying has truth, the truth will come out, which should help enforce the future disipline.
Remember, the point of all this discipline is to guide children. Parents support their children’s skill development and self control to enhance their self worth, comfort, health, and future lives.
It’s not about who is right and who is in control or who gets what they want done first.
We want to teach learning experiences.
Explain to them what went wrong, what the result will be as a natural consequence, and how to do the right thing for next time to avoid the unwanted result.
We knew to be patient during pregnancy, it’s up to parents to raise their children and be patient during this process too.
